Wild Avocado – March 28, 2005
Aquatillo Wild Avocado ‘Fruit of the Gods’
Trituration/proving during a seminar in Costa Rica, February, 2005.
By Anneke C.H. Hogeland
This is a remedy for people who feel very strongly outside the group. The issue is not so much about belonging, but about having some extra, additional powers or knowledge, setting one apart from the general activities of the others. The person can see what the others are doing and can interpret how the group activity will or will not flow. The person does not really intervene, he or she just shares the knowledge and then feels sad when the group does not act on it. There is a deep and painful sense of grief that comes from knowing how others will hurt, how they can stay away from hurt, and seeing them not do so. The heart actually aches with bouts of quite severe palpitations which come in the evening. The calf muscles are cramping up as if movement must be reigned in.
Again I must stress this person does not feel excluded or as if he or she does not belong, but feels as if standing outside looking in. The thing that separates her is this extra ‘knowledge’ or ‘power’. It could be that this person has some delusions of extra powers or actually has some clairvoyant and/or shamanic type perceptions, but this person does not ever impose what she knows on the group. She quietly states what she knows and quietly suffers because they don’t act on it. It is not even that she feels they do not believe what she says, it is as if her information goes into a void.
This person has an enormous capacity for empathy for the feelings of others. This ‘openness’ can be overwhelming at times, causing waves of deep grief which can come at any time. The feeling of separateness can at times be so strong that the person may choose dissociation as a way of not feeling this intense sensation of aloneness.
This trituration ocurred in Costa Rica in February 2005 over the course of a week-long seminar led by Alize Timmerman, organized by Toronto Homeopathics.
I have included some of the preambles to the trituration as well as some of the notes from times in between. I believe this describes the remedy qualities very well.
THIS IS A REMEDY FOR:
People who feel very separate from their group/family/peers. They watch others live as if from a distance. They feel connections with other things in the world but have no language or ‘sensible’ way to describe these connections. They feel they have special powers, but hurt very much from the feeling of separateness from the group.
February 20, 2005
On Sunday evening the seminar began. Alize planned tomorrow morning’s venture into the rainforest. We should go there and energetically find the tree which we will triturate. The plan was to meet at 6. At this initial session of the seminar there is an odd sense of discord present. We sat in a circle and one presenter gave a talk on case taking technique as if that was THE way to take a case, even though the group consisted of very seasoned homeopaths. The presentation seemed to be a thing in and of itself without much connection to any of the participants.
Next Day:
NOTE: The group of students gathered at 6 a.m., but Alize and Jonathan did not arrive until after 7. Then the group walked to the grove of the Giants, while Katherina, Eva and I drove up there. Discord again here and some irritation and anger! Everyone managed to be there at 6 except . . . .
So then the day began with a walk through the rainforest at 7:30 or so a.m. In the Giant Trees grove we walked along a man-made trail. Alize gave some vague instructions with several exercises about how to become sensitive to what the trees have to say. The group split into three groups of 6 and then everyone sat out into the forest to commune with one or more trees. A few communal exercises were suggested, but people seemed to wander off and find and refine their own experiences.
Instead of being in groups of 6, I notice that everyone is wandering off by themselves, so I do the same. I end up alone in this huge forest – it’s very deep and green, no sounds – the path meanders up and down – rustling in the leaves – this place is full of all kinds of bugs, flying, crawling, buzzing, working away. I am alone on this path and just looking and listening – sensing what to do next.
I find one tree which I wanted to touch very badly – a younger tree, very straight, very strong. I like the way this little tree makes this strong statement amidst all these much older and much taller growths. A slender silvery presence. This tree is a woman tree. Touching it feels very good – I touch it with all different parts of me, I touch and I look and I feel. Halfway up there is a face, in a small knot in the bark – there is a big opening where the nose would be – there I can enter – it was a kind of, ‘come on in, it’s good’ kind of feeling.
I continue touching and sensing – I am completely and utterly unaware of anyone else around here at all. There are no people, there is just this lovely woman tree and me and the space we have created around us.
The tree speaks – ‘I am well surrounded – I am safe – I give you strength for your back – I have what I need’ – much later, towards the end of the time there, after looking at the rest of the forest, she says ‘I know – I see’
I am in awe of this communication. I cherish my time here. I stand back and look at her some more. How strong she is in this space. How much she belongs there.
When the lianas hanging down about 18 inches away from the trunk would catch me, or when I got caught up in them, at first I would take them off – later I just allowed them hold me.
This is the tree which I will triturate. I have no sense of where the others are or of what they are doing. There is no group, no group experience. After my experience with ‘my’ tree I actually walk the entire trail seeing if any other tree speaks to me, but I must return to this young and vital feminine tree which speaks to me. One other tree, much deeper in the forest, far enough away so that I cannot get to it, also makes a profound impression; it is an older version of the tree I first met, an older, wiser, silvery and straight presence.
I return to my tree and spend some more moments with her after my walk around in the forest. Then the experience at the tree seems complete.
I leave the forest and wait for the others to come out, they appear after about 30 minutes. Where were they and what were they doing?
I am not terribly concerned about this really. I just wait and when they come we travel back to the main compound.
Afterwards, during the discussion – I feel very emotional – like crying – first I cannot at all find a place – I don’t like sitting at the edge of the table – then Jonathan sits by me and that is ok, then he does not, and I feel like crying – then Eva comes and I don’t want to invite her to sit next to me – then Judy and Jane come and I think I will be ok, but I cannot find my place – I feel I want to leave and go away – and actually think about it – but don’t know what I will say – waves of sadness – then David comes and sits to my left and it is a better a bit – and when the conversation starts again I feel like I want to be by myself – very difficult to become comfortable within the group – what an odd experience – Normally I would be very much into the beginning of the seminar – I would want to participate and to get to know the other people – Now, I really want to be by myself. I am separate from everyone else. There is no unity here.
Other people relate their experiences in the forest and it becomes very clear that the group has selected one tree and they have a sort of unified idea about what they will do and what they have experienced. It is very much a ‘them’ and ‘me’ experience. I am completely excluded from the general discussion and my own contribution seems to fly past whatever else is going on.
These are some of the things mentioned by the group:
Some feeling of the big tree nurturing/protecting a smaller one – a sort of co-dependence
A sensation of all connection – holding the young one and feeling the whole forest – holding – a physical feeling of swaying and dancing with the tree
A warmth – very inviting – very comforting –
Such an amount of warmth in the tree
So much love, so much energy for everybody
It is quite obvious that these are not so much feelings I share with the group although I have some of the sensation with my own little tree. What is striking at this point is again the feeling of discord.
TRITURATION 1:
Today we triturated round one in the rainforest. A group of about 10 people agreed to triturate in the rainforest while another group decided to stay in the meeting room and do it there; again, discord!. We started off at about 8 a.m. These are my own notes about my experiences with my little tree:
First round of trituration in the forest:
The monkeys
The butterflies
The absolute feeling of belonging and something about alertness – noticing what is around me and what goes on in the forest
Also sensations of power – very grounded
There is a space a bit further up the trail where I love being – this is underneath a fern-like plant, about 10 feet tall, a beautiful patterned canopy – this is a very powerful place, I walk back to this spot many times, between the tree and the spot. A bit further on there is a fallen tree trunk which I name the jet fighter – it has two wing-like buttresses and looks as if it is driving its nutrients into the forest floor with a great deal of force. There are many bugs and the beautiful Morpho butterfly shows up many times, an almost psychedelic occurrence, the bright iridescent blue amongst hundreds of shades of green. At one point there are about 7 of them. Also there are some monkeys, and another smaller animal hangs in a tree not far away and watches me intently for a long time. No fear at all, just a casual looking at each other with intensity.
This is a special gateway, standing under it I was home, not home in a house, but home in the world.
I did not want to sit – wanted slow movement drinking in all the growth, feeling all the growth.
At first disturbed by David beating on the tree, the racket it made, then later did not even hear it at all!
Felt again on my own journey, but not like yesterday. The others were not far away and there was some contact from time to time – they were not intrusive, except for some talking in the beginning, later not aware of them unless I sought it out.
A very much ‘opening’ experience – everything came in and flowed, even walking on bare feet!!!! A lovely, even deeper sense of belonging.
My calves are crampy and I have some scary chest palpitations later in the day, during the break at the evening session. My back is aching –
In the evening session, I cannot get comfortable. I cannot pay attention or hear much of anything. It is all so uninteresting!!! I am very tired.
In the discussion after this trituration it turns out that the inside group felt completely left out and abandoned. They were angry and irritated about the outside group and their stories. The discord continues. I see clearly that in a rainforest you have diversity – you have to have diversity – everyone is competing for the same nutrients in a very tightly utilized space, therefore many strategies are necessary to be successful. The group wanting to be unified is somehow counter-intuitive to the necessity and the fact that the group is made up of uniquely diverse individuals to ensure success of this trituration venture.
NEXT DAY:
Miscellaneous thoughts in the morning seminar:
We have now spend about one hour sitting here without anything constructive or instructive occurring. This truly is boring and yet I am not interested from an entirely different perspective. Will this ever come together and how? Who will step in and take some charge? The group seems docile to me and not a soul is expressing dissatisfaction. Why?
TRITURATION 2: ON THE BEACH:
Cannot see, only feel, lots of pecking, peripheral conversation, hilarity.
The moon was just there and this impresses me.
I love the way the moon comes in and out and how I can feel myself into a very good SPACE again – and I also feel like I am watching the others like the other day.
Second round – first a big lump in my throat – then a feeling of so very GRATEFUL – and again the moon peeks into the bowl! The raccoon comes right up to my foot and we looked at each other and he said, ‘ok, later’
This strong good feeling of moving between places and HOLDING THE SPACE (even holding the moonlight – a feeling akin to the feeling in the special space in the forest where I could hold the monkey movement)
I am at the edge of the water, looking back to the trees, water on my feet, the soft sand, the moon.
I AM THE HOLDER OF SPACE
Now sharing the bowl with David for a bit and free to feel and feel – some high up.
Upper chest tightness (I also had this last night).
The moon again, coming through, I am alight, awash in a glow of WHOLE.
Gloriously Happy
After the trituration is over I want to share this feeling, I invite everyone onto the beach. We form a circle, leaning on each other, arm to arm, still grinding the substance, then a low humming, chanting sound – for me a very good feeling of sharing my glorious feeling – I could have gone on with this for a very long time!
In the morning, I dream of going right into the bowl, spiraling down, down into the silvery spiral of the powder we ground up in the moonlight in the circle, into the very center of things, down, down, down, a vortex, then a wide open, very expansive feeling – BREATHING WITH EVERY SINGLE CELL IN THE BODY.
On a physical level, calves are crampy, for me esp. left side.
TITURATION 3:
In the evening we triturate. We start inside the meeting room. Immediately, in my head, the song starts: ‘It’s just an invitation to the blues’ by Tom Waits. I have the feeling we will get into a lot of trouble if we go on. The blues continue. We all move outside after 10 minutes to sit around the pool area. Almost immediately Alize is uncomfortable with the proximity to my tree. I move to the upper level, still outside, but I am irritated as hell with the people up there, they are so noisy and I feel I simply have to be by myself. I tried to sit off to the side and then I am overcome by a heavy, heavy grief, my heart aches, I have to be without people.
I go inside and am very happy to be there just with good solid peaceful Susan.
I am happy to be with metal and stone and glass – happy to be with my own rhythm.
The blues continue to play inside my head.
The center of gravity changes – it is different – skewed.
Right rotator cuff pain – deep sharp pain
This really is an invitation to the blues.
No sound is a very good thing indeed!
Still the blues:
Rhythm and blues
Sitting in a dark room
Heart aching and wanting something
A song in my cells
I took the invitation to the blues
I dread them coming in – it’s so nice and peaceful in here. Still the blues, I like them – shoulder is now ok.
Baby, baby
Ever since my baby left me
My soul feels all alone
I know not where to turn for love
Everyone is all gone
Babies, holding babies
It’s done – the blues are gone
TRITURATION 4:
I don’t remember much more about Friday day – at 5 pm we do the C4 trituration:
Outside again at the poolside, noisy. Ginny’s new black pants get bleached by the bleach which was used on the chairs. She is very upset.
My thoughts: Now we are putting the bleach into the nature, destroying something whole.
I found out today that my tree is the Wild Avocado – this is known in Costa Rica as ‘The Fruit of the Gods’, it is said that the Quetzal did not eat much of anything else.
How tiresome the scraping is – how long it takes –
WATER IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING.
Drink, flow, stream.
The mosquitos are here, just like in trituration one except now they bother me.
I am having a really good piece of anger – completely pissed off – someone told me to not try and re-create the same thing as last time on the beach. Why tell me this? What is that based on? I really want to say PISS OFF. I trust my own intuition and knowledge to come up with something good and appropriate in the moment. This feels like this person is taking something from someone without giving them an opportunity – just like he has done with some other things and with others.
Anyway I overcome the soreness about that and move back into my own rhythm.
It’s a good thing that I have this solidity, this grounding. I sit alone by a table, enjoying my solidarity.
I AM WELL SURROUNDED.
As soon as that phrase comes into my head Judy comes and Susan comes, then Jane comes, then Kathleen comes – well surrounded indeed! But this is completely the ‘out’ group, later even the seedpods comes (Judy and Patricia who are triturating the seedpod). Six people together at one table, without any speaking, who all have triturated something other than the big Nazareno tree.
Many people are yawning, but I have a strong feeling of VITALITY.
THIS IS A REMEDY FOR PEOPLE WHO DO THEIR BEST, WHO GIVE IT THEIR ALL, DO THEIR BEST TO DO EVERYTHING WELL AND WHO NEVER GET GOOD RECOGNITION FROM THE BIGGER GROUP.
In the conversation later I am overcome with deep grief, I feel like wailing and lamenting loudly, but I go behind the screen and cry, sobbing, for some time. I cannot at all participate in the group – I cannot share my experiences because they feel so completely separate from theirs. No one appreciated my C2/4 as it was.
On Saturday morning we discuss the overall picture which arises from the Nazareno trituration. This looks to be a remedy which has a lot to do with life cycles, possible of benefit to the aging population, and also having healing capacity in the sphere of fertility and birthing, hormonal regulations.
The discussion lasts a long time and there is no space, not even a questioning, about the experiences of those who have done other triturations. These people, me included, are quiet and largely ignored – when they contribute it is as if their voices cannot even be heard. A peculiar sense of exclusion. It is as if the bigger group says, we don’t want anything from you, we don’t want your information, we have what we need, what we came from. But they are ignoring the fact that in the rain forest, everything that is there is utilized and necessary.
After the seminar is finished it takes me some time to re-orient to life away from these triturations. I am happy to drive around and see some birds and butterflies and beautiful scenery, to have some experiences of life.
I now look back and see that I was much under the influence of this trituration from the moment I saw the tree in the forest, until well over 2 weeks after returning home.